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Friday, July 29, 2005
Postscripts From The Edge
Its a crazy world. Just when you begin to clearly see things, then bam! Something throws you off-balance and leaves you wondering whatever happened to my plans.
Our culture as Filipinos is set to being "segurista." We have this weird zealousness with insurance, pre-need plans and the like. Thus, we always complain about never being able to go around and see places. Thew western culture on the other hand, focuses more on the expression "Carpe Diem." Sieze they day... for tomorrow may never come. Notice how a lot of foreigners travel around with little to no money at all. I'd love to take that risk just to see places. Instead, I'm here working to ensure my future. The law of opportunity costs (paraphrased) states "You cannot have two things at the same time. You have to choose from one or the other." I feel that if I go on backpack tours, I'd learn more in life. Experience different cultures, and probably meet my partnes to be. That's a big probability.
*********
*sigh* Mr. Blonde is really such a nice guy to me. I don't know if he knows that he's my type. Too bad, he's straight and he has a gf (who is also extremely nice to me). If I'd chance a lad like him who'd reciprocate my feelings, I'm never, ever letting him go.
Gotta love 'em blondes.
Peace.
Music: Halcyon
Artiste: Chicane
 
Last entryJuly 29 Manila time, I had my panoramic teeth xray. Simple and innocent. Original plan was to check with the dentist on when we could schedule the wisdom tooth extraction. This was overshadowed by the unexpected root canal procedure. The pain I felt was excruciating. I felt like my mind was expanding to its limit and then explode. Its a good thing that the dentist was very patient with me. The local anesthetics was not doing its job. 30cc had been injected to me. I was already numb and yet the tooth had nerves pulsating like the throbbing heart. After an hour, the procedure was all good. Two more sessions and that pain is all in the past. The whole surgery was costly. It was good that I had gotten my paycheque. Only problem is, I've only enough left to last until the next payday. DAMN.***********He's been offline for the longest time. I am beginning to think on where this is headed... My little sister told me to hang on. I am holding on, but the problem is how long can I keep it up. I hope I hear from him soon. :(***********My dear Elishia is three (3) months with child. I'm so ecstatic about it when she told me. When I get to LA, we'll be having lunch or dinner and catch up on old times. Imagine little Davids walking around their house?!?!? That's just too cute. They're a great looking couple. I'm pretty sure they'll have beautiful kids.***********Weekend hath cometh. What are my plans? Nothing. I'm broke. I guess I'll just read a book.Music: Kiss the RainArtiste: Billie Myers
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Music: Life In MonoArtiste: Mono
The stranger sang a themefrom someone else's dreamthe leaves began to falland no one spoke at allbut I can't seem to recallwhen you came alongIngenue
IngenueI just don't know what to do
The tree-lined avenuebegins to fade from viewdrowning past regretsin tea and cigarettesbut I can't seem to forgetwhen you came alongIngenue
IngenueI just don't know what to do
IngenueI just don't know what to do
Is it over before it has even begun? There are experiences in our lives when we dare go outside our comfort zones in life. It feels so liberating once we surpass the tumultuous times that we undergo, especially in times wherein almost everything was lost. Sometimes, it makes you wonder, is it over? We haven't begun yet? I just thought I had to ask. Right now, I'm being kept busy by my work. Thank goodness for that. My mum and I have been through quite tough times, but we've managed to iron things out...as always, Leo rules over Cancer. I am still thinking of how my trip will go especially with my pocket money or the lack thereof is highly improbable. Some miracle will happen...I can feel it. *Crosses fingers and legs* Whilst working today, I heard this song in my mp3 cd. I recall the book Great Expectations whenever I hear this. Very French. Love story gone wrong and things become somewhat bittersweet towards the end. I'm not sure if my opinion is the same as the rest, but that's how I felt it was to me. Life is a complete PARADOX. I rest my case.
Monday, July 25, 2005
A Different MondayAs I was going home from the gym, random thoughts played through my mind. I knew this was something that I just had to write. These creative juices haven't flowed to me for a long time, so I know this was a significant literature that needs to be heard and seen.Here it goes:Life was very idyllic for the longest time.With change being the constant factor in life, everything else kept on moving at its own pace.Things became different when I came upon you.It never came to my consciousness that I will be found again.A lost island drifting in the countless spread of waters.Now a mainland with its people living as their quarters.I've been told that what I'm about to embark on is dangerous, risky and absurd.I know they all say the truth, but I felt that in my life I've never taken the chance to find out what it would be like to love and be hurt.It pains me on how difficult it is to be with you.Neither can I bear nor fathom what my life would be without you.The misery and loneliness, the anguish and frustrations.All these emotions and experiences can never bring me back to where I was.The obvious fact that I have miles of oceans and vast lands that keep our distanceHas nothing to keep the flame I hold with a light enough to reach you.Soon things will change once we come face to face.It may be for good or it can be for worse.I can only say that this experience is something I will never, ever regret.I hope that you can say the same and never forget.END****************************************Mood: HappyMusic: Never My LoveArtist: Kathy Trocolli
Friday, July 22, 2005
Blessings of sortsIts been a long week and I am glad it is coming to a close. I was recalling the things I've done for the week, and found out they were quite a lot. I was balancing personal and work issues like a juggler. I'm just glad I am almost done.
My vacation is drawing near...I think I am beginning to switch from work mode to party mode. This is quite unusual of me to feel half-hearted. I guess right now, I'm getting really torn on going to New York. I desparately want to go, but I'be also got people telling me that I should think it through. I asked my nephew on what he thought about him, and he was happy that I was willing to take the risk of meeting him in person. I guess I'll have to burn the bridge when I get there.
I just hope everything turns out well.
I miss him. I MISS HIM A WHOLE LOT. I haven't seen him go online. This is just insane. If you get to read this, I hope to hear from you soon. I've got a few things to cover with you.
<3.
Music: The Look Of Love
Artiste: Diana Krall
P.S. I want to post his pic...but I'm not sure if he's okay with it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
KILL ME...I have no idea what wrong I have done this week, but everything seems to be dragging me down. Right now, I'm at a really confused state with so many decisions that I have to make...all of them needs to be resolved at the same time. Then pressure from all sides...my mum, work, friends, family and even peers. I am feeling so spent even if I just woke up from sleep. I am about to go ballistic. Either that or I could just jump out of the window. I know this is shallow, but I just hope that people could back off, and leave me alone. I can't think straight with all these commotion going on. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ! A L O N E ! ! ! GET OUT OF MY EAR!!!
I am so tempted to smoke. FUCK THAT. Like that would do anything.
*Ponders on jumping off the building*
Monday, July 18, 2005
If Only
A lot of wonderful events took place this weekend. We had volleyball practise. Amazingly, I was able to play good. My mobility has definitely increased. The time I've spent in battling the bulge has actually started to pay off. I'm hoping to improve further and get back into shape. Of course, I won't be as good as I was since my body has begun to succumb to aging. Still, it would be great to slow it a little. :)
From there, I had lunch with a couple of co-workers. It was something I have hardly done in a long time, especially on a weekend. It was simply good to spend time with them with our normal office demeanours unguarded. Lunch was very much satisfying as the food and the company was great. The salad bar had stuff I've always like with my salad. Tofu, olives, greens and my favourite dressing - Mandarin Vinegrette. The main course was a grilled chicken wrap with basil pesto. It was a feel good meal, without the guilt. Being the sweeth tooth that I am, I had to have dessert. Surprisingly, their Devil's Foodcake was not that sweet, yet it was just as rich and sinful.
So with all the nourishment, I felt I had to burn it. So I went to the gym and did half an hour of treadmill and attended the budy jam class. It blasted the living daylights off of me. My legs felt like lead as I was walking to the bus station. Eitherway, I got home roughly around 7pm.
Finally, I got home and undressed to my fave lounge attire: boxer shorts and jersey crewneck. I switched on the telly and was bored to death by endless news about the rally for the president. (BAH!) Then I recall that a co-worker loaned me her DVD of Elektra. I popped it in the player and began to watch. It was so fucking boring that I actually slept through the first part. Mum hollered saying I should head off to bed as I was wasting electricity. Anyway, I decided to stick with watching. The movie was simply too dragging. No wonder my movie group never decided to watch it. It was a waste of money. The storyline was too shallow. For all of Jennifer G's moves, her acting was not given emphasis. Too bad.
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Sunday.
I decided to pester Thina and meet up with her. It has been ages since I last saw her. She finally agreed after taking some convincing. After going to worship in the morning. I went to have lunch with meself at the foodcourt. Quite a change really. Meng texted and asked if I could join her for lunch. I just had mine, but I felt I could use some company. As always, we enjoyed our short yet stuffing lunch. From there, we parted ways. She went home as she still has work in the evening whilst I had an appointment with my hairstylist.
Snip snip snip. My hairstylist was asking when I was going to have my hair coloured. I figured, I haven't changed it since forever. I had it scheduled around end of the month or by a week before I fly off to the US. WICKED!!! He actually gave me an A+ for being at the salon every weekend. I just wish I got A+ when I was in college.
So, I went window shopping whilst walking to the rendezvous with Miss T. All the stuff I liked were on sale. Too bad, I was almost close to being broke. I had just paid all of the utility bills, laundry and more. I practically have just enough to get me to the next pay. Well, that's why they call it window shopping. :(
When T and I met, I was fitting on a iridescent blue long sleeves at Kenneth Cole. We then decided to hit the screen and grab dinner afterwards. We saw If Only which starred Jennifer Love Hewitt and Paul Nicholls. They had a great chemistry. I felt like I could almost relate. (REALITY CHECK!!! I AM STILL SINGLE!) Anyway,the film went on, but with a twist. Its not your average garden type love story movie. Someone actually died and it was both of them. Well, the first it was JLH and towards the end, it was PN.
Essence of the story? LOVE and appreciate someone whilst they are around. For when they are gone, they are gone forever. I actually felt sad and yet I knew I never failed to show my love for my family. I supposed I could be more open to them. Then, I was thinking about him. Not my dad. Him. No, not God. Him. Yes, Him. If I went to New York, would he show up? Will I be rejected? I figured, I should take this risk. I'm not getting any younger. If I keep on holding back, I'm pretty sure I'll be raising cats when I am in my rocking chair days. Yes, I will be letting my heart decide for once. Face the consequences, if there are any; just to say I have loved again. I know he will treat me right. If things don't turn out well, I'll drag myself back to Boston, and try to enjoy the remaining days with Jim and Kris. The fly off to SF. Honestly, I don't feel like going to SF anymore. I feel like being in the Northend was home. :(
After dinner, we had tea at CBTL. It was nice of Clyde to join us for dinner and tea. We went on being the typical critiques that we are. Ranted about our lives. Miss T went on about her very colourful lovelife. I was somewhat envious as she was getting what she wanted. Me, I played the role of a good listener.
As the evening came to a close, I know that it was going to be the start of another workweek. How exciting. ZZZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzz.
Music: Spend The Night With You
Artist: Earth, Wind and Fire
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Conflagration
What an excruciating way to start the day. A word war with my mum. This was something really unexpected. She always does that to me. Throw every little sin of mine to my face until I am reduced to a minute particle. Asks favour when I'm about to get ready for work or about to take a bath, and sometimes she does that when I'm running late.
Today was no different. I like doing favours for her, its just that her timing is always off. This was our second argument since dad passed away. Aside from this, I learned a shocking truth. The whole time I was spending Sunday lunch with them was seen as something she didn't like. She thought I was doing it to prove their dependence to me. I was terribly hurt by this. I always wanted to spent weekend lunch with them, no matter what my financial status was, simply because I loved to. It was the only time I could catch up with them since I barely see them during the whole week; and now this is what I get, them not being happy about it. I find this too painful to bear because I never saw it the way she did. I guess, I should have shut up about my financial issues. Yet they keep asking about how I am. The irony of things is just unfathomable. Knowing all of this, I was about to breakdown. But then, I lost all empathy to myself. It was taken over by anger. I was very very angry.
This left me to feel hatred for my dad. It dawned to me that I hated him for leaving mum. He did not keep his promise to her, of being by her side as they both grow old. He left her with me, his selfish faggot son. HOW DARE HIM!!! I can't even fucking take care of myself. It would've been better that I had died instead of him. At least, she'd be left happy and they'd be around to look after each other. ME? I don't have anyone. If I die, no one would even miss me. If there are, I'm pretty sure there's only a handful of them. I don't even have someone to call my own. Pathetic? YES. Things would have been better that way.
Since that's the way she wanted it, I figured that this was the start of setting time for myself. YES! I'll be the selfish bastard that I was always known to be.
I hate the fact that happiness has always been very elusive from me. It only send sends me small bits of joy and takes it back by throwing a curve ball to my face. Happiness in my life has been fleeting and very temporary. Just when I'm about to feel the joy, bad things immediately take over.
I think I've had enough of this rollercoaster ride. I would rather spend my weekends to myself, alone. She said that she feels none of us is around for her to turn to. I've been there! I always do my best to be there for her. However, there are some cases when I cannot give her what she needs. As the saying goes, "You cannot give what you don't have."
Right now, I don't want to do anything for her anymore. I might give her more wrong expectations. IF I am selfish, then I'll keep it that way.
To hell with compassion. I should deal with my own life. I'm going to 30 next year. I have to stand ground in seeing through my future. Have I become heartless? I don't know. You tell me.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
So many questions, so little timeI'm pretty sure that we all have many thoughts running through our heads. In my case, I often get distracted by these, especially when I am going through something difficult.For my sanity's sake, I'll just blurt them all out. *warning* some questions can be very controversial!Why does life have to be swarming with problems?I have a home, a job, good health, a great set of friends... Is it wrong to want more?Since our life is full of challenges, doesn't that make us masochistic?Do you ever think that mankind are merely playthings? given life on this planet with a shallow level of understanding of what truly life is?Do you ever think that life is one big joke? You live it hard, play hard, then die.What happens in the afterlife?Do we become bitter that our time has ended on earth when we die?Do you ever think that you have touched someone's life? make it better? worse?Have you ever wondered if you will be remembered once you die? after 10 years?Is being dead like sleeping forever?Will I ever meet someone for me? Is he really feeling the same way about you? I have a lot more questions in my mind. I guess this was a good way of venting my disappointment and frustrations. Definitely, I'm not going back to smoking. I've rid of the habit long enough for me to hate it. Weed? Maybe. Vodka? Definitely.Music: Dare to MoveArtist: Switchfoot
Wanderer...Take a look at me and tell me what you seeI need somebody to love me for me...I recall that song getting a lot of airplay at 99.5RT when I was in college. It was a pop song that lingered whenever I felt I had acceptance issues. It was a good thing that in order to be popular in college, you had to do your own thing (deviant or just extraordinary).**********Last Wednesday, this guy I have been chatting with online asked if I wanted to meet up with him for breakfast. I was just surprised as I was never ever invited or asked out by a guy before. Normally, it was the other way around. This was a window of opportunity I could not let pass. So I said, "YES" without any hesitation. Let's just keep him under the name Z. His profile in G4M was pretty good. Although I never checked about his age, I realised it was no longer an issue. If I was looking to make this happen, I just had to drop my qualms and be happy. Besides, I needed a fresh face to see since I've been staring at my PC monitor for eons. I met up with him at Tokyo Tokyo at Shangri-La. I figured since I was there, I might as well order since I was really starving. Then he showed up behind me. There he was, a fresh face showing nothing but innocence. I was taken aback and realised that people like him still exist in this world! Going back, so we ordered and stuff, then went to our spot att he 2nd level. As usual, we exchanged pleasantries and some basic personal details. He told me that he was 21. Suddenly, it hit me. Chris is 20 (I think) and this guy is 21. Whilst he was talking, I just stared at him with all gusto. I think he got a little conscious that he kept turning his head left or right. Everything was pleasant. Our differences in opinions, likes and dislikes was very interesting. Towards the end of our brunch, I noticed that there was a stray shred of table napkin on his chin. I tried my best to show him where it was. Alas, I couldn't help it. I reached out and rubbed off the napkin from his chin. All of a sudden, I was slightly frozen. I didn't know if I should have done that or not. Honestly, I thought that it was very cute (as if we were going out as a couple). Well, I had to return to Earth. He said that his sister was there at the lobby to meet him. I was okay, but a bit disappointed that it was over. We shook hands (I didn't know if embracing him in public would be appropriate...plus the fact that we only just met). I broke off saying "I had a nice time." He went, "Me too. See you when I see you." I was still reeling from the whole experience. This morning, I had breakfast with Benneth and told her all about Z and the brunch. I openly confessed that I liked Z. Then she asked, "Does he like you the same way as you like him?" It hit me like a bucket of ice water. I didn't know how he felt about me. Was it something that I should have asked? I was very dumb because I never paid attention to the signs, and if I did, I wouldn't know how to interpret them. I am now just confused. Then I talked to Chris too and told him about it. I didn't know if it was the best thing to do. Eitherway, I went on with it. I like Chris. I think he likes me the same way as I like him. If it only that he was closer to me, things would have been much easier. I'm spent. I'm off to sleep. Music: Rythm is a Dancer Artist: Snapp
Monday, July 04, 2005
Holidays Suck...BIG TIME.Its the fourth of July. Hey its a HOLIDAY! Yeah.It was fine with me to go to work on today. I know that my team works on a 24 x 7 shift, so no holidays. Well, some guy ruined the whole plan by not coming to work...worse part is he didn't bother telling me about his plans. I guess that puts me last on his list of trusted people. I think I need to redo my list of work mates who has earned that level of trust. Strike two. One more and you're out.I am so thankful for having a very hardworking sidekick. He's also known as my BF/ Husband/ Lover rolled into one. Seriously, I've been working with him for the longest time and I am glad that he has always been the reliable limbs I need. He gets little appreciation for me, and that I owe to him BIG TIME. I hope he sticks around as long as our team exists.*******************I am glad that I enjoyed the english training today. I re-learned things that have laid dormant from the early days of grade school. Overall, I can say that I am lucky to have a good grasp of the English language. It was funny that there were moments wherein we couldn't help but laugh out on some of the mispronounced words by the trainer. I guess we were more meticulous about it since they are supposed to be experts on the subject. Yeah, yeah. We're only human. Born to make mistakes. Fuck that. Its the cheapest excuse one could ever give.I am angry when I was writing these things. Some people may have the impression that I am being harsh and all, but I am entitled to my feelings just as everyone else is to their opinions. I have moved on and taken the next step for my own sake. *******************I miss you. I hate the fact that we're in different timezones and I cannot even do a fucking thing about it. I've been hoping you'd go online today, but I doubt you will. I hate this. I really, really hate this. Call it drama or what have you. I don't care! I just hate the feeling of missing someone I really want to spend time with. If you get to read this, you'd know by now on how deep my feelings are for you ... else I am waiting in vain. SAVE ME. PLEASE SAVE ME.Music: Blue and YellowArtist: The Used
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Chaos and Obliteration
So I saw War of the Worlds with my very dear friend Cher today. The movie kept us at the edge of our seats and made us realise that mankind is not exactly the most powerful living beings to exist on this planet. It also showed the bad traits that we can do to our very own kind during trying circumstances, even to the point of ending someone elses' life for sanity check.Overall, I had a good time with Cher. We did some damage by shopping and boy hunting. Lucky her as she got the boys checking her out whilst I was the bodyguard watching over her. Well, I guess not everyone's attracted to a 29 yo homo with a gut. *SULK*Music: The War is OverArtist: Sarah Brightman
Friday, July 01, 2005
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
The Good
At last, Cay emailed to me my flight itinerary last Wednesday. This gave a spark in my eyes that I am already on stage 2 of 5 stages before I embark on my US trip. I forwarded it to Jim and in an hours time, he replied with his own set of activities whilst I spend time in the Northend. This amused me cause included in that list was a day to meet his folks. I was quite set aback by this because I'm not sure if his folks are open to a person of my colourful personality. Well, I guess we will have to put that to test. I'm also looking forward to seeing Karen L. Its been ages since I last saw her. It would be really fab to hang out with these really nice peeps from New England. *sigh* Visiting them makes me feel like a I'm part of their family. I love them soooooooo much.The BadMy loan's release date is set to August 5. I am quite anxious to find out if they will be approving the full amount I've requested. I hope they do as I would need every cent for this trip. In addition to this, the dollar has been climbing like crazy for the past few weeks. I just am looking forward to have it stabilised to a reasonable amount. I would definitely need a good deal so I won't end up being short changed when buying dollars.The UglyWork is definitely quite hectic, not to mention chaotic. I can accept the fact that there are a lot of things that I. along with my co-managers need to address. All I am asking for is that my reps do their part in simply coming to work regularly and on time. It just pains me that most of them no longer have work ethics. They have a high disregard for issuance of Memos that will certainly tarnish their 201 files. Whatever happened to Personal Integrity and discipline? Is it no longer being taught in schools? GMA has openly admitted about the election fraud. IMHO, it was good of her to address the public with such courage (although it still feels like she didn't care about it). I was just hoping that the people would be more open minded. YES, she indeed lied. But right now, we all have to work harder and together. Unity is what we need to get things done. If we want progress, we will go through a lot of pains and hardships. On another angle, I just hope our officials realise their great responsibility they promised to the people. The least they can do is deliver and stop corruption. It is the people's money that they spend, and yet there are quite a number of them who distastefully splurges them as if it came from their own pockets. To quote Ghandi, "There is enough in this world for everyone's needs, but not for everyone's greed." This makes sense, yet the real world had turned its back on this. What the world needs now is a miracle.*********************Music: Take me as I amArtist: TonicI first heard this song from American Pie. I decided to listen to it more closely and found it to be a very endearing song. Acceptance is a need that all of us needs to have. I'm happy right now that I have people accepting me for who and what I am (still closet to my fam... :( just sad. ) I know you're reading this. Thank you for taking the time. If I get the chance to meet you in person (which I hope I get) I promise it will be something I will cherish for as long as I live.*PEACE* I'm out.
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