|
|
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Just plain randomness
Mood: Pensive
Life carries on as usual. There are days when I feel that everything has completely gone wrong. Other times, its just plain sulking. Then I recall having seen a dead body laying on the pavement near the office at roughly 2am. This made realise that life we have is never really ours. Our time here is ticking. If its your time to go, you're gone.
I just find it hard to understand sometimes on how religion was used to cover up unexplainable things like the afterlife. What really happens to you in the afterlife? When I die, do I really go to heaven or hell? or do I just wander around and be a restless spirit like the rest of those roaming the earth. Sometimes, I find it unfair that our time here is so unpredictable. I guess that's what makes life more interesting to live.
A few more weeks and I'm 29. Looking back at my life, I can never say it was completely bad. I can still smile and recall happy moments that help overshadow the gloomy times that I went through. Like I said before, people take vacation for specific reasons. Others would take them to rest. Some to rejuvinate their exhausted spirit. Some for the sheer fun of it. Mine was purely for assessing my life. Like all journeys, when I came back, things began to unfold. I realised that I am tired and I need to move on or move up. I've loved my team too much that I have barely looked into working on my own plans. I still love my job. My team. But now, I feel that it is about time to hand over the key to a new blood and pass the torch. I'd love to study and travel all the time if it were financially possible. I need to explore other facets of my life that is waiting to be discovered. Like everyone else, I would like to prove myself and have my place in this world.
Odd enough, I miss being happy. I miss my dad. Yes, I miss him a lot. I denied myself of the period of grief to show my family that I had moved on. I have not moved on. I admit on never having been the good son I should've been. The short moments I spent with them everytime we had lunch was bliss. It was the only time I felt bliss being in their their company. I still bear that pain of not being able to work things out with him. All I can do is be sorry.
I am also at the point in my life wherein I need to be happy about who and what I am. I know I am gay. I'm open about my sexuality to my friends and co-workers. Yet, I am depriving my family of the truth. I feel that I am living a lie. Kathy says that its never easy to come out. I just want to get it over with. I just don't know if I will ever be ready to face their reaction.
I'm single. Still single. I've gotten compliments saying that I'm okay looking. Is it that I've outgrown dating and would rather be trapped in a life of romance. Having a partner...walking together and traveling to different places...having candlelit dinner and spending a sensual evening at a posh cabin/suite making passionate love like there's no tomorrow. *reality check*
***I've got more work to do...I'm out...***Music: Sarah Brightman - Classics CD
 
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
A Song that define this week:I Don´t Wanna Fight
Tina Turner
There´s a pale moon in the sky
The kind you make your wishes on
Like the light in your eyes
The one I built my dreams upon
It´s not there any longer
Something happened somewhere
And we both know why
But me, I´m getting stronger
We must stop pretending
I can´t live this life
I don´t care who´s wrong or right
I don´t really wanna fight no more (too much talking babe)
Let´s sleep on it tonight
I don´t really wanna fight no more (this is time for letting go)
I hear a whisper in the air
It simply doesn´t bother me
Can´t you see that I don´t care
Or are you you looking right through me
Seems to me that lately
You look at me the wrong way and I start to cry
Could it be that maybe
This crazy situation is the reason why
I don´t care who´s wrong or right
I don´t really wanna fight no more (too much talking babe)
Let´s sleep on it tonight
I don´t really wanna fight no more (tired of all these games)
But baby don´t you know
That I don´t wanna hurt no more (it´s time, I´m walking babe)
Don´t care now who´s to blame
I don´t really wanna fight no more (this is time for letting go)
Hanging on to the past
It only stands in our way
We had to grow for our love to last
But we just grew apart
No, I don´t wanna hurt no more
But baby don´t you know
No I don´t wanna hurt no more (too much talking babe)
Don´t care now who´s to blame
I don´t really wanna fight no more (tired of all these games)
I don´t care who´s wrong or right
I don´t really wanna fight no more (it´s time, I´m walking babe)
So let´s sleep on it tonight
I don´t really wanna fight no more (this is time for letting go)
Friday, May 20, 2005
WHATEVER!Saturday.
A party is happening tonight, and yet I don't feel like I want to be a part of it. Have I gone to become the queen of anti-socials? If ever, this would be the third party that I've ditched. I honestly would like to go, but my body wants to rest. My mind wants to rest.
Its been a week of challenges and more challenges. I was trying to figure out on what has changed in me, on not being the party figure that I have always been. Perhaps I have already outgrown these things. Maybe I have had too much fun in my college days that these things no longer appeal to my taste.
Tired. I am tired. Fuck that. I know my life is comparably better than most of the people living on this biosphere.
I recall back in my high school days that whenever I had a great time doing something, it was immediately overshadowed by something bad or negative. I always thought that I'd rather be sad than be happy. The short happy moments were like stolen moments out of my life. It wasn't easy to appreciate them because by the time it all sinks in, the essence is gone...replaced by something repulsive or even worse, just pure madness.
Life can never be truly understood. Imagine, we're born on this planet to live a lifetime and then die. What happens after that? Heaven? Hell? Purgatory? or de we just perpetually drift along with the living. It is so ironic that inspite of my catholic upbringing, that part of life was never explained to me. The purpose of living. Yes, you can be of help to someone. Perhaps improve oneself to achieve nirvana. Ultimately, what. No answer. No doubt there are agnostic people who refuse to believe in any theological concept on life and death.
My wings are clipped. As much as I'd like to fly and be free, that is far from reality. Perhaps in the afterlife, that would happen. There are so many things I would love to do, to learn, and yet we're left to choose between surviving or living life to the fullest.
Would I be brooding like this if I was in a relationship? Probably not. It would seem that I am bitter that I am unable to be part of a relationship. What makes my dilemma any different from others? I have no fucking idea. All I know is, being lonely not only drives one to the brink of insanity, it also drives one to megawarhatredbitch.
In a month's time, I'll be turning 29. Sure...enjoy that day. I hope nothing sad happens this time. Why is it that when I celebrate my birthday, bad things happen? I may be the child of a great curse. Cannot be too happy. Loneliness amidst the company of great friends and acquaintances. Mess. Chaos.
No one can really ever understand what life is. If I only knew that gay life despite of the "colourful life" it is supposed to show was this confusing, perhaps I'd rather be straight.
Fuck that! Fuck everything!
I'm going to sleep. Maybe when I wake up, things will be less confusing.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
MAY-hemIt is so odd that I am making an entry for the first time this May. I must have been really, really busy.After having been to Boracay, there were quite a number of changes that happened to me. For a moment, I thought I was going to sulk again. This time around, it was different.People take vacation/s for certain reasons. Some for recreation. Others to recharge, some for the pure pleasure of things. I took some time off to assess my life. I did think about work, but it was only a fraction of the bigger picture. I have a LIFE which doesn't necessarily revolve around work. THAT is something I experienced and learned.When I came back to the office, it felt different. I felt like I was missing pieces of my life. There was a need to stop and focus on other aspects that have been put on halt. My life need not be work centred. I'll be turning 29 soon and have yet a chance to get into a decent relationship. I also feel the inkling to explore other possibilities and career opportunities. Having been on the call centre for the past five (5) years, perhaps the time for me to move to a higher ground has come. New challenges are out there waiting to be explored. This could also be the perfect chance to check out the job market overseas. Australia, Canada, UK and yes even USA.***************The pictures taken from Boracay have certainly been most memorable. A lot of friends were envious that I got the chance to go there and spend good time with great people.It was all fun. That is all I can say.And HERE I was, having an IM convo with Jim. It was fun that we got to have a completely offbeat chat. I mentioned to him that I was having second thoughts about my trip to the US. HE goes "YOU BETTER PUSH THROUGH WITH THAT TRIP! I HAVE SET MY VACATION DAYS ON THE SAME TIME YOU'LL BE HERE." I felt so guilty on having said that. But yeah, I really do hope that I get the $$$ I need for that trip. Jim made sure that he will be free to show me around at the time I'm flying over. I feel so honoured...*sigh* I was actually teasing him about him liking me. I'm pretty sure he does. I can say that I am qualified to be a great friend. Just give me the chance to know you better, I'm sure we could pick up things from there. Its nice to be friends with him and Kristin. They're suce a nice couple. Makes me wish I had a partner too...Anyway, I am hoping that HE is listening up there, and that I get to travel again. =)
|
|
