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Friday, December 31, 2004
2004-12-31 17:43:09 (GMT)
A Year of Great Heights and Depths
As the year draws to close, I recall everything that had taken place to make this year equally memorable as the others gone by.
I realised that I have come out of my shell. I've become more open in stepping out of my comfort zone. I have experienced the pain of losing a loved one. Tears of joy and tears of weariness. Melancholy and infinite sadness.
Then towards the end of this year, such a catastrophe took place in the South Asian Region. A tsunami wipes out tonnes of population. Nature has her way of telling man that she has control over everything, despite our modern technology.
I mourn with those who lost their loved ones in this tragedy. We can never bring back the lost lives. We can only move forward and carry on. For some, it is a pivotal point in their lives on whether to stop or push on to start anew.
This afternoon, when I went home. I felt sad. This year, dad is no longer here to spend the parting of 2004. It was the first time I burst into tears in my room since he passed away last Novembre. The hollow feeling was overwhelming, and I know now how it feels for my mum. The pain has heaving in my heart.
BUT ENOUGH OF THAT!!!
It is 2005 here in Manila. Feliz Año Nuevo!
I hope we all get what is best for us this 2005.
 
Sunday, December 19, 2004
2004-12-19 16:15:25 (GMT)
Ranting to the max
It is now mid- December and almost Christmas, yet this is the first entry I have made in my journal. A lot of things had transpired recently. I may have moved on, but I still feel a certain void that has yet to be filled with any emotion/s.
I still go through a phase when I become almost completely indifferent to the world around me…as if life has become miserable, utterly senseless and is madness.
Rant:
Mourning for someone who passed away was something I always experienced as an outsider. Never did it occur to me that death would steal someone from me. My father. And as if it should have stopped there, he also had to take away my uncle. How convenient. Most people see it as eerie. I see it as extremely helpless. As much as we would like to think that we have total control over everything in this corporeal world, there are limits to our powers.
I realised that I am not alone in this dilemma. There are friends and co-workers who are going through the same phase as I speak. Cruel, just very cruel. It can be quite frustrating knowing that in time; we will all pass from this earth. Most people would simply say, “carpe diem!” or “Sieze the moment.” Others say, “Live your life to the fullest for when you are dead, you have all the time to be nothing.” The last statement can be somewhat over the top, but still within the bounds of reason.
Right now, I am trying to recollect on the things that I have done in my life. So far, there have been quite a number of disappointments. NOT! The disappointments outnumber the positive and happy moments in my life. I could be stupid in the oversight of the blessings I’ve had. The truth is, it is just uncanny that for every good event that takes place in my life, I get bad moments thrice the propensity. I think that I have such bad karma that one good thing I get is replaced by a thousand of curses.
I could go on yapping about all these things and that, but I am tired, exhausted and drained. It is too much of an effort to react. I have to admit, I am scared that I might shut down emotionally by 2005. I hope not.
Lovelife update:
NONE. It is pathetic that everyone I see at the mall or most of my friends have someone in their life causing them anguish and happiness. I asked myself why people go on about torturing themselves with relationships. Then it hit me; I do not know how they feel because I am not in a relationship.
Recently, Julius got married. I was very much ecstatic that he had decided to settle down with Johanna. They are really meant for each other. I ENVY THEM.
I have a co-worker whom I have always noticed to be somewhat spaced out and constantly under the spell of Saturn. But looking at her from afar, she is actually lucky. She gets to have men interested in her. Looking at me, I get none. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
Self-esteem check: must have been sleeping when God was spreading self-esteem to the whole world.
Goodness. I cannot even meet someone I like. Fucking blind dates do not even show up to turn me down. How excruciating that is for me. Very excruciating. Am I looking for love in the wrong places? Perhaps. Who is to know? How would I know? I am totally clueless about this whole thing. Even Tim is much luckier with the game of love than me. I was thinking that perhaps, I should be like most gay people. Prowl on men and have sex with them, and then work on the relationship part.
I was raised in the old school. A good foundation of a relationship is not based on sex. Sex is part of the relationship, but it does not define it per se.
Others would say that is complete B.S. I can say that I almost agree. I need to mingle with people more. I have been too isolated with work. Someone! Please take me out on a date. I will be very honoured. Very, very honoured.
Holiday Shopping:
I saw a movie with the Sunday/movie group about Christmas with the Kranks. It showed how commercialised the holidays have become. The base essence of the occasion has been left out.
This year, I decided to go for broke in my gifts. It is unwise to splurge unwittingly, but it only happens once a year.
Fucking digicam broke. How timely! Now, I cannot transfer the pictures to a CD. I need to get a new digicam SOON!!! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Perhaps, something good will happen. Wait! Let us be optimistic. YES! Something good will happen. I can feel it.
*Crosses fingers*
Grand Events that I've seen/witnessed this year:
June:
6/26 Global Picnic - Subic
6/23 Sarah Brightman Concert
October:
10/30 Kuya Joel's Wedding
November:
11/12 Dad passed away
December:
Uncle Tony passed away
12/3 Julius' Wedding
12/9 Paul Van Dyk
12/11 Manila Christmas Party
Achievements:
June: Won grand place for Battle of the Bands.
December: One (1) full year of being totally cigarette free!
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