2003-04-21 02:15:33 (GMT)

Monday blues

It's such a cliché to say Monday blues but today really can't be helped. As soon as I got out of bed, here goes my father starting yapping about our bills and all that. I'm like "WHOA! I just got up."

So much for the sweet beginnings. I'm trying not to dwell on it but I admit lately, going home is more of a painstaking feeling. It's like I'm only welcome if I have money to shed out. Is that all there is to it? MONEY!?!?

I so definitely want to move out but with my income, that will not work.

My lazyass middle bro hardly stretches his bones. It's been a year since he lost his job. Sulking is not the way to go about it. Look for one. He can't expect an apple to fall out of the sky. If he only realises what waste he's putting himself into. He's got lots of goals but he needs
to start somewhere. Drinking and spending time with friends won't be the greatest of all starts.

Friends are there to support you but taking the first step is upto oneself. He's become to dependent on them to survive. I admit when I go out alone, it feels awkward but after sometime, it is comforting cause you get to spend time for yourself.

Anyway, I am getting to hate him. His mouth has become foul. He has no morsel of respect for my parents who are actually the ones taking care of his vices.

I am so yearning to rub it in his face to get his act together. He's lucky he's older than me plus, I don't resort to physical violence.

I know this is a challenge for me. My mum thinks she's having a hard time. We all are, but pointing fingers won't solve anything. I luv my mum so much. She is tired. I want to give her some time off but I can't afford to do so.

I'm hanging on to my sanity. I know I can go on further. Someone's up there watching. I know after the rain comes the rainbow, but going through a storm can be very draining. I just pray to have more than enough strength to go further.

I.

Black Saturday...
Family's got no money...
I'm physically and mentally tired...
should I party or rest?

It's been quite a while since I had a good time with my co-workers. I think this would be a good opportunity to do so.

Yet, I yearn for the beach. I will take that vacation or bust. I need it for my sanity's sake, but I feel guilty. Should I? I could give the spending money to my mum to help out at home.

I am getting more pathetic everyday.

Sometimes, I just think things would be better if I ended it all...such a cowardly thing to do...

Is it really Good Friday/Black Saturday

So I was so ecstatic that this long and agonising week is over. I called home to talk to my mum and exchange pleasantries thinking it would be a great idea. Wrong! Instead all I hear would be complaints about having no money and all that.

I realised suddenly that perhaps one reason why I choose to stay behind at work is that I don't want to go home. Perhaps I am scared that when I get home, I'm going to be facing the dreaded issues of life.

I am so annoyed why this is always being my problem with my family. From this standpoint, moving out and living on my own would seem the best solution but I definitely don't have the means. *sigh* Sometimes, all I could do is just sulk until my mind wanders of to something more pleasant. I'm pretty sure there's more to life than this.

I'm not being ungrateful for my life. Its just I'm thinking some things can be better off if we had more funds to cover our existence. I can't help but feel guilty. Should I give out my earnings to the whole family? If I do, what would happen to my savings? Am I selfish to keep
them to my own?

Damn.