ZZzzZZZZzzzZZZzzz
WHATEVER!
Saturday.
A party is happening tonight, and yet I don't feel like I want to be a part of it. Have I gone to become the queen of anti-socials? If ever, this would be the third party that I've ditched. I honestly would like to go, but my body wants to rest. My mind wants to rest.
Its been a week of challenges and more challenges. I was trying to figure out on what has changed in me, on not being the party figure that I have always been. Perhaps I have already outgrown these things. Maybe I have had too much fun in my college days that these things no longer appeal to my taste.
Tired. I am tired. Fuck that. I know my life is comparably better than most of the people living on this biosphere.
I recall back in my high school days that whenever I had a great time doing something, it was immediately overshadowed by something bad or negative. I always thought that I'd rather be sad than be happy. The short happy moments were like stolen moments out of my life. It wasn't easy to appreciate them because by the time it all sinks in, the essence is gone...replaced by something repulsive or even worse, just pure madness.
Life can never be truly understood. Imagine, we're born on this planet to live a lifetime and then die. What happens after that? Heaven? Hell? Purgatory? or de we just perpetually drift along with the living. It is so ironic that inspite of my catholic upbringing, that part of life was never explained to me. The purpose of living. Yes, you can be of help to someone. Perhaps improve oneself to achieve nirvana. Ultimately, what. No answer. No doubt there are agnostic people who refuse to believe in any theological concept on life and death.
My wings are clipped. As much as I'd like to fly and be free, that is far from reality. Perhaps in the afterlife, that would happen. There are so many things I would love to do, to learn, and yet we're left to choose between surviving or living life to the fullest.
Would I be brooding like this if I was in a relationship? Probably not. It would seem that I am bitter that I am unable to be part of a relationship. What makes my dilemma any different from others? I have no fucking idea. All I know is, being lonely not only drives one to the brink of insanity, it also drives one to megawarhatredbitch.
In a month's time, I'll be turning 29. Sure...enjoy that day. I hope nothing sad happens this time. Why is it that when I celebrate my birthday, bad things happen? I may be the child of a great curse. Cannot be too happy. Loneliness amidst the company of great friends and acquaintances. Mess. Chaos.
No one can really ever understand what life is. If I only knew that gay life despite of the "colourful life" it is supposed to show was this confusing, perhaps I'd rather be straight.
Fuck that! Fuck everything!
I'm going to sleep. Maybe when I wake up, things will be less confusing.
Saturday.
A party is happening tonight, and yet I don't feel like I want to be a part of it. Have I gone to become the queen of anti-socials? If ever, this would be the third party that I've ditched. I honestly would like to go, but my body wants to rest. My mind wants to rest.
Its been a week of challenges and more challenges. I was trying to figure out on what has changed in me, on not being the party figure that I have always been. Perhaps I have already outgrown these things. Maybe I have had too much fun in my college days that these things no longer appeal to my taste.
Tired. I am tired. Fuck that. I know my life is comparably better than most of the people living on this biosphere.
I recall back in my high school days that whenever I had a great time doing something, it was immediately overshadowed by something bad or negative. I always thought that I'd rather be sad than be happy. The short happy moments were like stolen moments out of my life. It wasn't easy to appreciate them because by the time it all sinks in, the essence is gone...replaced by something repulsive or even worse, just pure madness.
Life can never be truly understood. Imagine, we're born on this planet to live a lifetime and then die. What happens after that? Heaven? Hell? Purgatory? or de we just perpetually drift along with the living. It is so ironic that inspite of my catholic upbringing, that part of life was never explained to me. The purpose of living. Yes, you can be of help to someone. Perhaps improve oneself to achieve nirvana. Ultimately, what. No answer. No doubt there are agnostic people who refuse to believe in any theological concept on life and death.
My wings are clipped. As much as I'd like to fly and be free, that is far from reality. Perhaps in the afterlife, that would happen. There are so many things I would love to do, to learn, and yet we're left to choose between surviving or living life to the fullest.
Would I be brooding like this if I was in a relationship? Probably not. It would seem that I am bitter that I am unable to be part of a relationship. What makes my dilemma any different from others? I have no fucking idea. All I know is, being lonely not only drives one to the brink of insanity, it also drives one to megawarhatredbitch.
In a month's time, I'll be turning 29. Sure...enjoy that day. I hope nothing sad happens this time. Why is it that when I celebrate my birthday, bad things happen? I may be the child of a great curse. Cannot be too happy. Loneliness amidst the company of great friends and acquaintances. Mess. Chaos.
No one can really ever understand what life is. If I only knew that gay life despite of the "colourful life" it is supposed to show was this confusing, perhaps I'd rather be straight.
Fuck that! Fuck everything!
I'm going to sleep. Maybe when I wake up, things will be less confusing.
This entry was posted
on Friday, May 20, 2005 at 7:35 PM.
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