Conflagration
Conflagration
What an excruciating way to start the day. A word war with my mum. This was something really unexpected. She always does that to me. Throw every little sin of mine to my face until I am reduced to a minute particle. Asks favour when I'm about to get ready for work or about to take a bath, and sometimes she does that when I'm running late.
Today was no different. I like doing favours for her, its just that her timing is always off. This was our second argument since dad passed away. Aside from this, I learned a shocking truth. The whole time I was spending Sunday lunch with them was seen as something she didn't like. She thought I was doing it to prove their dependence to me. I was terribly hurt by this. I always wanted to spent weekend lunch with them, no matter what my financial status was, simply because I loved to. It was the only time I could catch up with them since I barely see them during the whole week; and now this is what I get, them not being happy about it. I find this too painful to bear because I never saw it the way she did. I guess, I should have shut up about my financial issues. Yet they keep asking about how I am. The irony of things is just unfathomable. Knowing all of this, I was about to breakdown. But then, I lost all empathy to myself. It was taken over by anger. I was very very angry.
This left me to feel hatred for my dad. It dawned to me that I hated him for leaving mum. He did not keep his promise to her, of being by her side as they both grow old. He left her with me, his selfish faggot son. HOW DARE HIM!!! I can't even fucking take care of myself. It would've been better that I had died instead of him. At least, she'd be left happy and they'd be around to look after each other. ME? I don't have anyone. If I die, no one would even miss me. If there are, I'm pretty sure there's only a handful of them. I don't even have someone to call my own. Pathetic? YES. Things would have been better that way.
Since that's the way she wanted it, I figured that this was the start of setting time for myself. YES! I'll be the selfish bastard that I was always known to be.
I hate the fact that happiness has always been very elusive from me. It only send sends me small bits of joy and takes it back by throwing a curve ball to my face. Happiness in my life has been fleeting and very temporary. Just when I'm about to feel the joy, bad things immediately take over.
I think I've had enough of this rollercoaster ride. I would rather spend my weekends to myself, alone. She said that she feels none of us is around for her to turn to. I've been there! I always do my best to be there for her. However, there are some cases when I cannot give her what she needs. As the saying goes, "You cannot give what you don't have."
Right now, I don't want to do anything for her anymore. I might give her more wrong expectations. IF I am selfish, then I'll keep it that way.
To hell with compassion. I should deal with my own life. I'm going to 30 next year. I have to stand ground in seeing through my future. Have I become heartless? I don't know. You tell me.
What an excruciating way to start the day. A word war with my mum. This was something really unexpected. She always does that to me. Throw every little sin of mine to my face until I am reduced to a minute particle. Asks favour when I'm about to get ready for work or about to take a bath, and sometimes she does that when I'm running late.
Today was no different. I like doing favours for her, its just that her timing is always off. This was our second argument since dad passed away. Aside from this, I learned a shocking truth. The whole time I was spending Sunday lunch with them was seen as something she didn't like. She thought I was doing it to prove their dependence to me. I was terribly hurt by this. I always wanted to spent weekend lunch with them, no matter what my financial status was, simply because I loved to. It was the only time I could catch up with them since I barely see them during the whole week; and now this is what I get, them not being happy about it. I find this too painful to bear because I never saw it the way she did. I guess, I should have shut up about my financial issues. Yet they keep asking about how I am. The irony of things is just unfathomable. Knowing all of this, I was about to breakdown. But then, I lost all empathy to myself. It was taken over by anger. I was very very angry.
This left me to feel hatred for my dad. It dawned to me that I hated him for leaving mum. He did not keep his promise to her, of being by her side as they both grow old. He left her with me, his selfish faggot son. HOW DARE HIM!!! I can't even fucking take care of myself. It would've been better that I had died instead of him. At least, she'd be left happy and they'd be around to look after each other. ME? I don't have anyone. If I die, no one would even miss me. If there are, I'm pretty sure there's only a handful of them. I don't even have someone to call my own. Pathetic? YES. Things would have been better that way.
Since that's the way she wanted it, I figured that this was the start of setting time for myself. YES! I'll be the selfish bastard that I was always known to be.
I hate the fact that happiness has always been very elusive from me. It only send sends me small bits of joy and takes it back by throwing a curve ball to my face. Happiness in my life has been fleeting and very temporary. Just when I'm about to feel the joy, bad things immediately take over.
I think I've had enough of this rollercoaster ride. I would rather spend my weekends to myself, alone. She said that she feels none of us is around for her to turn to. I've been there! I always do my best to be there for her. However, there are some cases when I cannot give her what she needs. As the saying goes, "You cannot give what you don't have."
Right now, I don't want to do anything for her anymore. I might give her more wrong expectations. IF I am selfish, then I'll keep it that way.
To hell with compassion. I should deal with my own life. I'm going to 30 next year. I have to stand ground in seeing through my future. Have I become heartless? I don't know. You tell me.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, July 12, 2005 at 6:45 PM.
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