Misery Loves Company
Its another Sunday evening and I've finally managed to get some solo time.
Lately a lot of things have been happening to me. Good and the challenging ones have been where I've been hovering. Work has been very productive and my adrenaline is getting pumped with all of the things that I need to deliver. I love being busy. I love the feeling of having or making something that will be a significant achievement for me. However when I stop, I immediately see the things that I miss out and most of all.
My pay has been a demotivation for me. Somehow, someone managed to completely mess up with my commissions and now I'm suffering for something that wasn't even my fault. I'm doing my best to keep a steady pace as I know that if I stray, it will be difficult to get the groove back. However, sometimes I feel that this is karma for all the bad that I've done. The selfishness that I've managed to justify has made me apathetic, is now coming back to hurt me.
Here I am, solo. Isn't it suffering enough that I've waived my personal right to happiness to achieve things? To help my family and uplift our situation? Am I so wrong in everything that I've done? Now, I just feel like I'm working to make things better, but I nowhere close. To make things worse, I'm alone.
Yesterday I missed out on Porna's wedding. I wanted to go, but I just simply wasn't there. I was in limbo. Selfishness yanked me out of my social circle to wallow in misery whilst I was broke, alone and all that. I could've shared in her happiness, but I felt it wasn't the place for me to unload my burdens. It was an evening for someone to be happy, and being there whilst feeling sorry for my miseries would be totally unfathomable. Just unacceptable. So there I was, in the recluse of my own world.
What would you have done if you were me? I miss my old jovial self. Now, I've turned into someone whose happiness depends on monetary frivolities. I know that my problems in life aren't as overwhelming to those who are destitute, persecuted, confined and most of all, dead.
Well, I know things are bound to get better soon. I'm so thankful to God and Mama Mary for being so patient with me.
The day is almost over. For now, I'll savour whatever's left of itas the evening sinks in to its fullest.
Lately a lot of things have been happening to me. Good and the challenging ones have been where I've been hovering. Work has been very productive and my adrenaline is getting pumped with all of the things that I need to deliver. I love being busy. I love the feeling of having or making something that will be a significant achievement for me. However when I stop, I immediately see the things that I miss out and most of all.
My pay has been a demotivation for me. Somehow, someone managed to completely mess up with my commissions and now I'm suffering for something that wasn't even my fault. I'm doing my best to keep a steady pace as I know that if I stray, it will be difficult to get the groove back. However, sometimes I feel that this is karma for all the bad that I've done. The selfishness that I've managed to justify has made me apathetic, is now coming back to hurt me.
Here I am, solo. Isn't it suffering enough that I've waived my personal right to happiness to achieve things? To help my family and uplift our situation? Am I so wrong in everything that I've done? Now, I just feel like I'm working to make things better, but I nowhere close. To make things worse, I'm alone.
Yesterday I missed out on Porna's wedding. I wanted to go, but I just simply wasn't there. I was in limbo. Selfishness yanked me out of my social circle to wallow in misery whilst I was broke, alone and all that. I could've shared in her happiness, but I felt it wasn't the place for me to unload my burdens. It was an evening for someone to be happy, and being there whilst feeling sorry for my miseries would be totally unfathomable. Just unacceptable. So there I was, in the recluse of my own world.
What would you have done if you were me? I miss my old jovial self. Now, I've turned into someone whose happiness depends on monetary frivolities. I know that my problems in life aren't as overwhelming to those who are destitute, persecuted, confined and most of all, dead.
Well, I know things are bound to get better soon. I'm so thankful to God and Mama Mary for being so patient with me.
The day is almost over. For now, I'll savour whatever's left of itas the evening sinks in to its fullest.
This entry was posted
on Sunday, March 21, 2010 at 7:42 AM.
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